You know what I hate? Like really, really despise? ‘Visualize your best life,’ Social Media posts. If only you meditated more, dreamt better, a gulf stream, diamonds, your greatest desires would appear. If I were a genie with a magic bottle, I’d obliterate global warming, nukes, little girls stolen from their mothers, cancer, homelessness, poverty. Every single injustice, I’d balance the scales. Goddamn, I hate when said person writes, ‘living their best life.’ Which is preposterous, delusional, downright denial. We might be granted incredible moments when everything fits. Happy, serene, and amazing are readily available. The rest of our time is spent de-cluterizing, looking back, leaping forward. Humans, myself included are predictable.They prefer not to ask the hard questions. I can’t seem to stop asking, searching, questioning. Why don’t the scales balance out? Why does a beautiful, sweet 26-year-old wife and new mother birth twins only to lose her life. I bet she visualized her best life, tragedy found her instead. Why? I want to know. Why, god damn it? There are no answers for her twins, who will only know their mother by memory. Do not post some ‘inspirational picture, bullshit quote’ without asking first, do my scales balance out? Am I the slightest bit aware of the planet, persons around me? Did I do one kind thing today, go out of my way for a stranger? Do something good, without telling a soul. Why has my family bore so much tragedy? Lucky? No, and yes. Do not say think positive, I might punch you. I fight hard to stay alive, without tangible reason. Living is not about me, don’t take it so personal. My life is harder than most. I’m not complaining or a pessimist. I’m a realist with an invisible disease, that no other being can comprehend. De-clutterize immense pain that comes from the chaotic, mis-firing mind. Do not tell me to try harder, look at the bright side. Tiny moments of happy are best lived eyes open. The scales, I’m throwing them out the attic window. Since the beginning until the end of humans, they’ll never balance out.
This is it. My one, honest, in your face, best life.