“This first Friday in June, all I know is I am doing my best. My very damnedest. And it looks like this…”

I felt like this today.

You don’t need to hear about the numbness, excruciating pain, overwhelming anxiety, residual anxiety, paranoia, dizziness  or that I prayed to whomever was listening to just end it. Fucking end the ridiculous, relentless, ad nauseam, non-sensical hours that consume my days. Frankly it’s wearing me down, ripping me to shreds and fucking exhausting fighting invisible monsters.

Yes, I know I’m sick. Yes, I understand tapering off benzos is worse than hell it’s maggot filled shit. Yes, my empathetic, cool therapist talks it out. Reassuring me I am indeed strong enough.

Resilient enough. Tough enough. However. Makes me wonder.

Where in the hell am I going to replenish precious missing elements when the planet is currently fluctuating between earthquakes, tornadoes and drought? In a constant state of chaos, flux. How to replenish when I can’t remember pieces of yesterday. Blurred and hazed memories clog and pollute the brain.

Where? How? Why? Great questions. With zero answers.

I said NO anyway. For shits and giggles, ya’ know.

I don’t feel like shit, I feel eradicated, violated and obliterated.

I go to the hairdresser’s armed with my peppermint and lavender doused washcloth unsure I can make it through the hour-long dye process without flipping the fuck out.

Home. I want, need, have a deep desire to be home.

Grey roots and I have a larger more burning desire to feel pretty, alive, and validated.

Breathe, just breathe. You are safe. You are fine. You’ve been through this before. You are safe, breathe.

Your stylist is your dear friend who knows and loves you well she will take you home if necessary.

FUCK YOU anxiety, fuck off, go fuck up someone else’s day/ existence.

It’s sitting there threatening strangling my neck, throat, cramped shoulders, tingling extremities and limbs. Sitting patient, greedily waiting to pounce.

I apply eyeliner (Armani #02 pencil my fav.) and concealer to brighten my shiteous, difficult existence and in spite.

Tomorrow will come with or without me, isn’t that the cliché? What they say? Whoever the hell they are, Martians maybe. Fuck if I know, can’t be sure.

This first Friday in June, all I know is I am doing my best.

My very damnedest.

And it looks like this… on the outside

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.” – Harper Lee

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Grow Your Garden a love of self

Loving yourself takes time.

I didn’t know not exactly, not until this moment.

I never believed brushing aside the possibility of happy.

Tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow I’ll embrace the quirks and eccentrities.

Tomorrow.

Funny time wasted. Not funny.

This end of April Sunday close to May, I stand at the fault line.

Middle-aged.

The compost pile is toppling from all the shit dumped over the years.

I don’t know about you, maybe you were born over-confident.

A chest puffer.

Never had to overthink it, actually liked spending time in your own company.

Didn’t fret about how you looked in a full length mirror, crap you never even owned one.

Happy, no worries. Happy, never mind the worries. Happy, because it feels better.

And maybe you weren’t born with a twelve pack but a Buddha belly and when you laughed it was honest from the gut, and your smile was fuchsia electric.

I’ve known people like that, really I have.

Infuriating sorta.

Well one that I can think of.

I wonder if Angelina Jolie is a brooder like me?

Angelina was the first perfect human that came to mind.

Let’s see, Buddha belly person is happy for realz, never asking, wanting or needing much of anything.

Seriously, just the jubilee of living and giving are enough.

I can’t speak for Angie but I wonder if she wears Crocs, doesn’t bother to shower or sits in the grass simply because she likes the way it feels against her unshaven, hairy-for-days legs.

Grounding.

I wonder.

I do.

I can’t help but wonder, curiosity careens through the wrinkles I now possess,

and the dirt under my fingernails from digging the earth.

I like how my back aches, moss green hands throb and sweat trickles down my neck.

I like that Jeff Buckley is blasting haunting, melodic melodies directly into my brain.

I like that this moment I am absolutely present just him and me, in fifty degrees that is neither scorching nor too cold uncomfortable but smack dab in the middle.

I like to use clichés, that make me happy no matter how incorrect or passe.

I like the physical task of creating something, something real.

Something beautiful.

That is the closest I’ve come to happy.

To loving myself.

Today.

On this end of April Sunday close to May, I stand at the fault line.

Grow your garden.

“Love your body for all its peak and valleys.” Jacqueline Cioffa Lane Bryant ‪#‎ImNoAngel‬

“Style goes beyond size. (Case in point: Everything on this page.)”

Post your beautiful self(ie) on Facebook Lane Bryant ‪#‎ImNoAngel‬

Love your body for all its peaks & valleys
#ImNoAngel #CurvyGirls #FF Jackie Cioffa
ex-model MakeUp artist author feminist advocate being
Current Size 12

Clean Living is an Excellent Thing

Clean drinking makes living a glass half full.

Before juicing…I am way UP UP UP for the lemon water challenge.

Every morning first thing: I drink warm lemon water. Diagnosed with manic depression, anxiety, fatty liver… I needed to make some serious dietary changes.

I am vigilante about my health and diet, which is no longer a chore but a pleasure.

Healthy eating takes a little thought, time, but …

guess what? It tastes better, and it works. I feel lighter and my skinny jeans fit. (added bonus)

Lemon tastes refreshing and is really IS good for you.

LEMON JUICE & WATER IN THE MORNING CHALLENGE

http://www.medicineforever.net/2014/08/08/lemon-juice-water-in-the-morning-challenge/

“WHY LEMONS?

A glass of lemon juice contains less than 25 calories. It is a rich source of nutrients like calcium, potassium, vitamin C and pectin fiber. It also has medicinal values and antibacterial properties. It also contains traces of iron and vitamin A. Since it contains an elevated percentage of carbohydrates and sugars, avoid adding sugar to lemon juice.

Packed with all the goodness, make it a point to begin your day with a glass of warm lemon juice. Its cleansing and medical effects will have positive effects on your health in the long run. However it is very important to note that lemon juice when comes directly in contact with the teeth, can ruin the enamel on the teeth. Hence, it is advised to consume it diluted and also rinse your mouth thoroughly after drinking lemon juice.
HERE’S HOW TO MAKE LEMON WATER..DAILY !

1. Wake up.

2. Go straight to the kitchen and pour a glass of room temperature water (if you have digestive problems, use hot water).

3. Cut a lemon in half (don’t use bottled lemon juice as it can contain sulphites which a lot of people are allergic to).

4. Squeeze the juice of the lemon directly into the glass of water. Water should turn cloudy.

4. Drink.

5. Repeat the next morning, etc.

HEALTH BENEFITS OF LEMON WATER IN THE MORNING

Packed with antioxidants and other health benefits, a glass of water with the juice of half a lemon revitalises the body and mind. Here are the reasons to drink it first thing:

1)Helps to cut out caffeine.

Replacing your morning coffee with a cup of hot lemon water will really do wonders! you will feel refreshed, and no longer have to deal with that pesky afternoon crash.

2)Reduces Phlegm
It’s a sad fact of our cold weather existence — phlegm happens, especially in the morning, but lemon juice can help.

3)Freshens breath

The antiseptic qualities in lemon juice help kill off bad bacteria in the mouth by acting as a disinfectant. A glass of lemon water is also a healthier morning wake-you-up than coffee.

4)Strengthens The Brain

Lemon may be known best for its vitamin C, but it also contains potassium, which helps with brain and nerve function. So for a quick natural way to feel more alert, lemon water is a great bet.

5)Increased Energy

The vitamins and nutrients in lemons help to increase your energy, particularly the high amount of vitamin C. Many note to feel energized and hydrated after drinking lemon water upon waking.

6)Helps with weight loss

Lemons are high in pectin fiber, which helps keep the body fuller, longer. They’re also a mild diuretic and very alkaline; alkaline bodies have been shown to lost weight faster.

7)Helps with Digestion

Stimulation of the gastrointestinal tract and peristalsis is activated by warm water. Lemons and limes are very laden in vitamins and minerals so it helps move toxins out. Basically, it helps things move around quicker.”

http://www.health24.com/Diet-and-nutrition/Weight-loss/How-lemon-juice-and-hot-water-can-help-you-lose-weight-20150408

#greenliving #zen #Detox2015 

#nutribulletbreakfastclub

SATURDAY NIGHT’S HOT TICKET #SyrFWSpring2015

Syracuse Fashion Week 2015 is in high gear.

Join me along with other illustrious guests for a fun, glam evening at the Landmark Gala, April 11th, 2015.

BOOK SIGNING BY JACQUELINE CIOFFA AUTHOR OF THE VAST LANDSCAPE

I know where I’ll be kicking up my heels this Saturday, how ’bout you?

Portion of the proceeds to benefit The Food Bank of CNY, come out and support your local Community.

“The Vast Landscape” Model Fiction

Portion of the Proceeds To Benefit THE FOOD BANK of CNY

http://syracusefashionweek.net

http://www.foodbankcny.org

CLICK the Link for SYRACUSE FASHION WEEK Spring 2015 Events Calendar

http://syracusefashionweek.net/events-schedule/syracuse-style/

http://www.syracuse.com/entertainment/index.ssf/2015/01/model_turns_international_experiences_into_fiction_central_new_york_books_and_au.html

-excerpt THE VAST LANDSCAPE SyrFWSpring2015 LookBook

‘Book Signing By Jacqueline Cioffa Author of The Vast Landscape’ Landmark Gala

Yay fashionistas, “The Vast Landscape” Book Signing, Empire Brewing Co and Smoke Inc BBQ. sounds like a glam delish evening.

@SyrFashionWk

Excited to be a guest author at SYR Fashion Week #thevastlandscape Thanks @AlyssaLaFaro for the amazing feature! pic.twitter.com/J3F2eKY2ZC

— JCioffa (@makeupmodelciti) March 22, 2015

Stick to the basics with an edge

I hate shopping. Clothes shopping.

I’ve been living in sweats and jeans the last five years, shopping hasn’t been a high priority.

Writing does not require Couture, PJs are just fine and acceptable. Authors apparently require a bit more expansive wardrobe.

Being invited to the Landmark Gala during Syracuse Fashion Week 2015 as a guest author of “The Vast Landscape” deserves some glam effort.

So I went shopping and came back with nada, the perks of living in NYC were missed today.

When choosing something gala worthy I find sleek lines are best and black is minimalist, modern cool.

Stick to the basics with an edge. Guaranteed this biker chick won’t be wearing a dress.

And always be comfortable in your skin, preferably exposing just the right amount of it.

Modeling was my job where talented stylists threw fabu’ designer clothes on me.

Today I’m in control, it feels liberating and grown up.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00H3P51LS

https://www.facebook.com/Syracusefashionweek

http://www.peterlindbergh.com

Every Little Thing Matters

For those of you that don’t know me and most don’t, I led a privileged life for many, many years. Traveled to exotic locales on somebody else’s dime lived in Paris, Milan, London, Barcelona, Madrid, Cape Town, Miami, Hollywood, NYC… I was a fashion model who earned a living with her looks.

The bizarre, crazy existence was the difficult lifestyle to explain. It was a job with bonanza benefits. I never took myself too seriously.

When my fashion career was over I had to reinvent myself. Makeup artist, why not? Started at ten bucks an hour and worked my way up counting Mariah Carey, Anne Hathaway, Sandra Bernhard, Connie Britton as clients. I had connections, and lots of help. Again, I didn’t take myself seriously. I knew how to coddle the celebs, after all I’d been on the their side for years.

My spirit was unsatisfied, intuition nagged this wasn’t it. This wasn’t what your supposed to be doing.

I can’t say the precise second, the exact hour my mind blew. It was a rapid, out of nowhere burn.

When something serious happens to your health something so surreal and uncertain you dig, claw, and dig deeper. You fight. There’s a cosmic shift. Something changes in your core on a molecular level.

Nothing is ever trivial again, coasting is not allowed and everything about you feels strange. You’re different.

I found my way back, returned to my old life. It was fine for a time. Mediocre, but fine. The next break would not let me be the drifter, laid back traveler, not this time. Nope, I had to work hard. This time, I was the paradigm shell.

I had to shed the old, and let her go.

Brutal leaving your identity, friends, city, what you know, the familiar, your favorite pizza joint behind. It can be brutal or it can be something different.

It didn’t matter, I learned. I understood other stuff mattered more; family, well-being, sanity, gardening, solitude, writing, walking the dog. Basics became survival tools.

The voices nagged. You better get your shit together. Don’t fuck up. You’ve got one chance to do something good, something beautiful, something true, something with purpose.

I have always been a writer. It’s my DNA, in my marrow, my blood, my heart and my brain.

The words have always been there.

I wasn’t listening. I just wasn’t listening to them.

A book signing at the Landmark Gala during Syracuse Fashion Week is my life come demi-circle.

The irony is not lost on me.

The Vast Landscape follows the “brash, vulnerable, raw Harrison in pursuit of ‘movie star’ dreams navigating her way through the painful and the beautiful. It is more than just an incredible love-story.”

Most days life kicks you in the ass and you do your best to manage.

Sometimes, indigo sky sunshine and karma throws flecks of silver star-dust your way.

When you lead from the heart, those are the best days.

Every little thing matters.

You can’t know when the stardust might shine.

I’m prettier today, inside out.

“When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.” Harley Davidson

Streaming Ties That Bind: ‘She never laughed anymore. Nothing was fun; life was not a game.’

© Laslo Luca Gerta

She disappeared inside the land of make-believe, filled with Crayola crayons so bright she wore tinted sunglasses

I always thought true love was equivalent to good poetry

dying today, today, today

I‘ve learned how to sleep alone with my dreams

A young girl fell in love with art, without perhaps ever knowing his  name

                                             beautiful emotional mess

Taste the warm rain possibility

New Orleans, swamp and rust hinges                          Bayou                                            the blues brings me up

I’ll take off-centered any day

She never laughed anymore. Nothing was fun; life was not a game

       Opal. Solid, American name, meaning: Jewel. precious gem                 call me Seven

Migrant Mother

mullet, dope, acid drop, LSD

roadkill triage wipeout

WORDS WORDS WORDS                   mayIhavethisdance            PENSIVE  

flashpanmoments

Prose mistress

By the beautiful grace of God and my conviction and glory in the simplest things, I give away all my dreams

                                 YOU’RE SKINNY, YOU DON’T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS 

Sweet Georgia Pine always yearning for something better

Sisterlove, GINGER BLOND BRUNETTE delicious

                      spirit guide whispers secrets to a child

CRYSTALLINE DELICIOUS

    indigo sky lanterns, hotdogs, hamburgers, corn, green beans, sweet tea and lemonade

Adelaide laughs through tear drops, opens the box, sets Pretty free

See you soon, daddy  Positively, positive       Harry was eagerly waiting, anxious to be reunited with her love

linear thoughts become stories

stories become tangible                        Paperbacks                    gatekeeper

                The Vast Landscape                                                            Georgia Pine

                    WRITE IT.    

whatyouknow           whatyouhaveseen          whatyouhavefelt  

words by Jacqueline Cioffa

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00H3P51LS

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00T270L88

@makeupmodelciti

Looking Glass and The Windowpane

Let’s face it; there’s no fooling. The sagging skin, the wrinkled face, the ridiculous forty something woman in short skirts and bottled-up Botox. The gravitational pull and the eventual flight back home were booked in advance. You already hold the winning ticket. I recognize the faces in the street, the fear, the familiar grimace and disgust at the sideways glance in the shop’s windowpane. I see the doubt, the two-second pause, the roll of the eyes in the rear view mirror. I’m going to rise above it, be the lady lit from within. I’m going to honor this body that works, that walks me from place to place. I’m going to love this heart that beats and eyes that see the sun and feel the heat, and arms that sway to the rhythm and ears that hear the beat. I’m going to resist the tug; I’m going to dig the features and the sum. I’m going to take the very best care. Every so often, I’m going to eat eggs with buttered toast and pancakes dripping in maple syrup. I’m going to drink beer without the guilt. I’m going to love a man head on without flipping the light. Sooner or later, I’m going to want to play the parts. I’ll be mother, daughter, sister, lover, and feminist right on time. I’ll want to write the appropriate words that answer the meaningful questions. I’ll get the joke. I’ll laugh out loud without bringing my hands up to cover my face. I am timeless, ageless and the perfect temperature. I will not grimace at the sight of a beautiful young woman. I will nod and offer her a secret, knowing smile and familiar glance. I will put away the minis, the boots, and the crazy forms of self-expression and store them deep in the back of my closet. I’ll hold onto them for a younger version of myself. I no longer have any use. I’ll walk the walk with conviction. I’ll talk the talk and hear the discussion. I will listen, with a mind that is open. I will wait ten seconds to answer. I’ll have a well-thought out appropriate response. I’ll take an interest in the world around me. I’ll be empowered, insightful, bright and impulsive in an instant. I will mellow out and leave fear, jealousy and rage behind. I’ll do all the things that a grown up does. I will act like a curvy, sophisticated, well groomed woman. I will see the face and body; I will embrace and endorse the beautiful. I will tuck away my first class ticket in the back pocket of my favorite pair of ripped, familiar blue jeans for a later date. I will remember where I put it. I’ll keep my head on straight, high upon my strong, beautiful shoulders. I will put one determined foot in front of the other. For now, I’m just going to walk. And face the window without the pain.