“No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”
― Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom
“The vast landscape was never ours to begin with, we are all tenants of the same good earth. Surrounded by the enchanting tourist attractions, one forgets. One becomes enamored by the sounds, smells and tastes. Time? Time mattered less.” – Jacqueline Cioffa
“A garden is a grand teacher. It teaches patience and careful watchfulness; it teaches industry and thrift; above all it teaches entire trust.” – Gertrude Jekyll
“An invisible string from the heavens touching mine, her orb a sweet- scented blushing pink.” – Jacqueline Cioffa
I felt like this today.
You don’t need to hear about the numbness, excruciating pain, overwhelming anxiety, residual anxiety, paranoia, dizziness or that I prayed to whomever was listening to just end it. Fucking end the ridiculous, relentless, ad nauseam, non-sensical hours that consume my days. Frankly it’s wearing me down, ripping me to shreds and fucking exhausting fighting invisible monsters.
Yes, I know I’m sick. Yes, I understand tapering off benzos is worse than hell it’s maggot filled shit. Yes, my empathetic, cool therapist talks it out. Reassuring me I am indeed strong enough.
Resilient enough. Tough enough. However. Makes me wonder.
Where in the hell am I going to replenish precious missing elements when the planet is currently fluctuating between earthquakes, tornadoes and drought? In a constant state of chaos, flux. How to replenish when I can’t remember pieces of yesterday. Blurred and hazed memories clog and pollute the brain.
Where? How? Why? Great questions. With zero answers.
I said NO anyway. For shits and giggles, ya’ know.
I don’t feel like shit, I feel eradicated, violated and obliterated.
I go to the hairdresser’s armed with my peppermint and lavender doused washcloth unsure I can make it through the hour-long dye process without flipping the fuck out.
Home. I want, need, have a deep desire to be home.
Grey roots and I have a larger more burning desire to feel pretty, alive, and validated.
Breathe, just breathe. You are safe. You are fine. You’ve been through this before. You are safe, breathe.
Your stylist is your dear friend who knows and loves you well she will take you home if necessary.
FUCK YOU anxiety, fuck off, go fuck up someone else’s day/ existence.
It’s sitting there threatening strangling my neck, throat, cramped shoulders, tingling extremities and limbs. Sitting patient, greedily waiting to pounce.
I apply eyeliner (Armani #02 pencil my fav.) and concealer to brighten my shiteous, difficult existence and in spite.
Tomorrow will come with or without me, isn’t that the cliché? What they say? Whoever the hell they are, Martians maybe. Fuck if I know, can’t be sure.
This first Friday in June, all I know is I am doing my best.
My very damnedest.
And it looks like this… on the outside
“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.” – Harper Lee
“I was my only obstacle. Once I stepped aside, there it was. Grace. Glaring at me, in the face, as certain as a Cove sunrise.” – Jacqueline Cioffa. THE VAST LANDSCAPE
Available on Kindle #borrow #amazonprime
I have to remind myself to walk away from the hate multiple times a day when frustration gets too heavy, life bears down too hard.
Living is torture even when one is ridiculously happy.
Living consumed by hate, the ugliest impossibility.
The sun is a billion years dead and gone, yet she shines so warm and glorious.
I’m going to bask in the light of the sun.
I bought three gemstone rings today for no particular reason, maybe Mania is swirling about.
White Opal, blue Opal and an Amethyst a reminder of the sparkle pretty, shimmering facets that live inside.
Rooting myself to the earth’s core brilliance, natural hues and color palettes.
No room for hate, nope.
No sir.
Not on me, not this day.
“I am not hate; I am not jealousy. I am the bigger person owning nothing but the dream.” THE VAST LANDSCAPE
#thevastlandscape
Wouldn’t it be lovely if kindness, loyalty and showers of affection were our biggest faults?
Wouldn’t it though?
It would be awfully, awfully nice.
It is lovely in the company of my shadow.
The spirit animal who teaches me patiently and without judgement
the crazy curious inexplicable mystery that is uncomplicated love.
For one glorious moment I forget, all the exhausting complicated human parts.
I’m free. On the walk.
I don’t care how I look on the outside,
neither does she.
Jacqueline Cioffa 